You cannot determine the sustainability of marriages beforehand. Both love and arranged marriages can’t be predicted. No one can predict how successful the bond between the couple will be. Or for how long the love and compatibility will last. This is why I feel live-in relationships are great. The couple gets to know a lot about each other.
Why do I say that? Well, because as a life coach I have learned to empathize with people.
I have witnessed so many relationships blossom and so many that ran through a rough patch and broke.
People change, their priorities change. Sometimes this leads to making the bond stronger and sometimes the change can drift two people apart.
The bond, the relationship, the love, everything changes after marriage. But why? Why do people change?
Being married to someone you love is a total blessing but I feel the vibe of the relationship surely changes once you start living together.
Whether it’s love marriage or arranged marriage or just a live-in relationship.
A fact to ponder upon.
First, I would love to share my experience of love
I was in a live-in relationship, which lasted for 1.5 years, and then I got married to the same man.
(The 1.5 years of staying in a live-in relationship made us realize that there is enough love to officially declare ourselves as married for the world.)
So, now I feel that because of my personal experiences and the experiences of other couples who I have known up and close, who have also been in live-in relationships, I am ready to share the difference between a live-in relationship and marriage
First, the experiences of being in love
I got married to a man I knew from my childhood. The man I slowly fell in love with during my high school days.
Love blossomed when we started living together as roommates, buddies, lovers, sex partners.(whatever you want to name us as.)
We were in a live-in relationship.
We partied and worked hard. Took responsibilities and paid bills as equals. This equality surely brought more stability and respect to our relationship.
But what really makes live-in relationships so successful? Why are live-in relationships better than marriages?
Why are live-in relationships so popular/successful?
The big decision of living together turned our views about each other. It gave us a clearer picture of what love actually meant.
Living together also made us realize that love is not just about cuddles and dates and sex.
To sum it up, my experience was very good but I feel that there are a couple of reasons that made it so successful.
Live-in relationships don’t have any boundations.
When we were in a live-in relationship, we had no boundations. We both said and did take the effort to pamper each other but never was there a compulsion in our head.
For example, in a live-in relationship, it is not only a girl’s duty to cook and keep the house neat and clean. The guys of this era participate equally rather more efficiently. Maybe because they know that they have to manage the house together. In fact, the boys of this era are far better at all the household chores in my opinion.
Having no boundations doesn’t mean that we went out on dates and had sex with other people.
We were committed. We were head over heels in love with each other.
Having no boundations in a live-in relationship simply meant that there was no compulsion. Whatever we did,was just out of love for each other.
Whereas, marriage does come with boundations.
Marriages do come with boundations. The same couple who once felt madly in love with each other starts to feel bound to the complexities that come with the tag of being married.
In my opinion, the boundation comes because of the pressure that we create in our heads. We pressurize ourselves thinking now I have to follow the norms of marriage.
Let me explain why this happens. Our mind is very powerful. When we do anything without pressure, with ease and comfort in our heads, we end up doing the task more efficiently. Whereas, when we start taking our marriage as a compulsive bond, our brain then starts to take it as a burden.
And that’s exactly how we bring misunderstandings and unnecessary fights in the relationship.
It is not necessary that all marriages end up. The couple that realizes each other’s importance, will never do anything out of pressure.
Marry and let the love sustain.
2. Live-in relationships rely on equality.
Any relationship that is based on equality lasts longer and is definitely much stronger. Period.
Since a live-in relationship comes with no boundations and compulsions, the couple works on the basis of equality. Whether it’s official work or household chores or emotional support. And when two individuals start valuing each other’s work and passions, they obviously learn to respect each other more, and love surely blossoms.
Why do marriages lack equality?
When married, the woman is expected to move out of her house and step into a completely new environment, whereas the guy continues to be close to his previous habitat. (that’s when the differences start.)
This change often leads to misunderstandings.
I have witnessed this. In a live-in relationship, it’s not about his work or her family, it’s just about them whereas when married, the couple starts to build the relationship on “I” and “me” instead of us.
Honestly, I believe the mindset with which we Indians are brought up is that the women need to dwell with changes after marriage whereas men are expected to continue their life in their comfort zone.
Live-in relationships are thrilling.
When I say live-in relationships are thrilling, I don’t mean that there are any adventurous sports involved. Adventure in a live-in relationship is all about keeping the spark of the relationship alive.
We all have been secretive about something or the other in life. It can be as simple as hiding and eating your favorite chocolate or bunking classes to go for a movie with friends. Simple stuff yet when we are secretive about it, we feel excited. And that’s exactly the kind of excitement a live-in relationship brings in our life but for a prolonged period.
Remember those days when you bunked classes and went out with friends? So much fun right!?
It’s exciting, adventurous, and brings you so much happiness. Why? It’s because your brain knows that you are doing something which is not allowed(brings thrill and adventure) and you are following your heart.
The adventure just relies upon your happiness.
Similarly, when in a live-in relationship, you are doing what you feel is right. Something that your heart wants(i.e.staying together under a roof) You are not bothered about what the world /society will say.
The happiness which you get by following your heart can never be compared with anything. And sometimes the adventure is also about hiding from family and friends that you are in a live-in relationship.
Live-in relationships do not involve families.
Live-in relationships don’t involve any family drama. The relationship doesn’t involve uncles, aunties, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers.
The relationship is all about us/them.
There are no expectations to please each other’s families.
For example, The guy is not expected to attend all the social gatherings of his lady love’s family. And the girl is not expected to follow all the rituals of the guy’s family.
Suggestions for the to-be married couple:
- Travel with your partner
- See how your partner deals with the people in lesser power.
- Handle money together as a couple.
- See how they react when they are angry.
Conclusion:
Every relationship requires effort to sustain. If you are planning to live together(in a live-in relationship or as a married couple) make sure that you start to make choices that bring a better future for both of you.
No relationship works without adjustments.
Love is all about learning and growing in every aspect of life as a couple.
P.S. Do read this real life story of a woman and her experiences after her wedding.
You may also like to read – Divorce is made in Heaven.
