Life Lessons for My Daughter: Advice I Wish I Knew as a Teen.
#speakupforyourself #standupforyourrights #believeinyoualways
As a parent I want to give life lessons to my daughter. Advice that I learnt through my experiences but I wish I knew them as a teen.
To be honest with you, there is a spiritual part in me that knows that every human learns their own fundamentals of life through their own experiences. Experiences that can be hard and strong. Experiences that advice can’t teach, especially if the advice comes from the parent!
The journey of life, the highs and lows are all different for each one of us. But as a mother there are a few life lessons that I would like to share with my daughter, some lessons that life taught me. Life lessons that just come from my heart and I want my teenage daughter to acknowledge them. I want her to put them on the priority list of her life mantras.
You are beautiful inside and outside. You know that right?! Pretty hair, good skin , perfect height and waist line. That is all so perfect. I know you are rolling your eyes because you feel that I am again making you feel on cloud 9. But that won’t stop me from mentioning that you are perfect just the way you are and I would always cheer for you the loudest.
As a Mother, my heart pores out with warmth and love for you my darling daughter. But I also want you to concentrate on life lessons that I wish you don’t learn the hard way.
So here we go, to my dear darling daughter (“Miss A” as I call her) here are a few things I want you to understand and believe in:
Mental and physical well being:
I do notice girly attitudes brimming in your personality.
I am sure there will come a time when you as a teenage girl would want to diet to lose weight. You would want to invest your time, energy and money in your skin and hair. Some extra attention on your outfits and high heels too. All this will fit in your lifestyle smoothly. Dear daughter, I want you to know that investing in your beauty or to put it more accurately, investing your focus on your physical well-being is good but investing in your mental wellbeing should be of your utmost priority. Focus on things and people that make you feel happy. Do what you want to and live your life on your terms.
Don’t allow anyone(even yourself) to take your mental peace away. Mental peace can’t be bought but it can surely be achieved.
Go for walks, listen to music, dance crazily, read, write, party hard. Do anything that your conscience allows to make you happy. Go for therapy. Your mental piece is for you to achieve and should always be a priority. Even if it means chucking out a few people from your life.
Relationships, Money, power and everything around would be aligned once you are at peace. Believe in your capabilities and dear daughter and everything else would just flow with ease.
2. Definition of Fun :
Life lessened me in my early teenage years that everyone has a different definition of fun. As I notice these days, you like to snuggle into a novel and quietly sit in your room for hours, probably reading and listening to music has become your idea of fun. When I was your age, it was football for me. As you grow you might want to define fun as traveling or sleepovers with your friends. Do it . Value the little joys of life.
People around you might not find your idea of fun entertaining enough and that’s perfectly ok. It’s not your job to entertain all around.
In your life you also might come across friends who define drinking, smoking or going to pubs as fun. Definition of fun cannot be defined particularly. And I won’t lecture you here about the rights and wrongs of my dictionary. So do all things that your heart allows you too.(In your limits and beliefs)
People might want you to follow them and their idea of fun. But my darling daughter always remember, following someone can be entertaining for sometime but it can’t be fulfilling. So create your own magic, your vibe, your idea of fun, your way!
3. The grass is not greener on the other side. As a teenager (maybe as an adult too) you might find others have a better, easier or more fun life than yours. Bigger houses, luxurious cars or even branded outfits can all be so attractive. We all want that extravagant lifestyle that looks oh so perfect. But the reality of people is not what you see on social media or what they portray to be publicly. Reality lies in the contentment of who we are. And by people I’m not just talking about your friends, it can be your relatives/ neighbors or people you have just seen on social media.
As a teenager, I loved watching celebrity interviews. (Rather, I still do.) It is my way of knowing glamour better. I love the flowy gowns and their hair blowing in the air. I absolutely love their luxurious lifestyle where glamour,romance go hand in hand.
Over the years as social media came more into existence, I realized that most of the interviews were scripted. The lifestyle that seemed oh so perfect was actually not so perfect. I learnt that celebrities can also have family issues, relationship or health issues. The glamorous diva can cry backstage and talk about her funny shooting experiences on camera. A public persona like this can be created in a blink of an eye. This also tentatively taught me that my perception was not the reality of the picture perfect life of people. This is one life lesson which I had learnt in my teens.
Dear daughter, I want you to know that this is a very important life lesson. A Lesson that is often difficult for adults to gulp in too.
Life is not a bed of roses for anyone. Everyone has something that worries them. Something that they are not fulfilled with. By this, I don’t mean that life is harsh and tough, dear daughter. Here the life lesson is to learn to value the things that you have in life. Gratitude for all that you have in life should be the correct attitude to deal with what comes your way. Grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you add water.
4. Boundaries will protect your peace:
A life lesson that took a long time for me to adjust with. Boundaries are essential for a safe house and for your mental sanity too.
I see and hear you trying to do the same. I often see you trying to join pieces to sort life for others. You want everyone to like your friends. And your friends to be true to their words. You feel confused when the so-called “friends” talk behind your back.
No matter how desperately I want, I do know that you will learn to create boundaries with experiences of life.
A secret that I never shared with you is that I had no boundaries (Still fail to create them when it comes to family)
I allowed anyone and everyone’s words to take away my peace. I never fell in the category of feeling jealous. Neither did I allow strangers to hamper my temperament. But sadly I never created boundaries when it came to my family. I allowed them to take away my mental peace by allowing them to make decisions on my behalf, I allowed them to say stuff to me which was unnecessary. And the biggest of all, I tried to invade their privacy. I wanted my loved ones to change, change for good. Even wanted to make decisions on their behalf. I wanted to teach right and wrong to them. This thought of making everything perfect for others by invading their boundaries took away my peace.
Life lesson here is to work on the Let them theory by Mel Robins. Let them do as they want. Allow them to feel the joy of talking behind your back. Let them make mistakes, let them fall and learn. Let them think that you are not perfect.
Creating boundaries doesn’t mean disrespect towards anyone. Creating boundaries just means that you don’t allow people’s words or actions to take away your peace.
5. Not your job to please everyone :
Pleasing people is the most effortless task. This is one “quality” of mine that stuck with me through my subconscious mind. Which made my friends , family, and colleagues happy at the cost of a little bit of adjustment from my side. I was always available to listen to my friends or adjust my schedule to welcome them. I tried my best to be polite with my words with family that seemed ohh so wrong in my dictionary. The mundane tasks that didn’t fall alone in my to-do list , had slowly become a part of my routine. Colleagues who were extra polite made me do some extra work effortlessly.
The life lesson over here is not that I was a victim. (because I was NOT) The life lesson is that no one told me to do all that I did.
The bar of the expectations was set by me. People knew that I am available, capable and would always say YES. Like a headless chicken, I did everything possible to ensure no one feels unhappy. Little did I know the Power of saying NO.
Dear Daughter Creating boundaries or saying no doesn’t mean that you won’t have good friends. It just means that you don’t need to adjust yourself and please people to make everyone happy.
Pleasing people often results in pouring out from an empty cup which leaves you drained while people are unaware.
6. Money is power/ freedom :
The life lesson here is not that money can give you the freedom to shop till you drop. Dear daughter, the life lesson here is to know money comes with freedom to make decisions. The power to choose what you want. It also empowers you to change the wrongs into rights.
Remember, uncle BEN said to Peter Parker “with great power comes great responsibility.”
I know for you currently money gives you the freedom to buy the entire Hello kitty store. Well that’s freedom too but as you grow up, you will realize that earning money for yourself gives off a different kind of a dopamine rush. It gives you satisfaction, happiness and the freedom to make your decisions.
Dear daughter, it’s difficult to put this in words but I still wanna try so I would give you examples that you will understand. Money will give you the power to go on unplanned vacations, money can buy you dresses and all the luxuries that you wanna buy just for the heck of it. And the best part is you get to do it without giving any thought about what people think or say (because no one has the right to comment when you spend your own money)
Depending for money on anyone (be it your parents, brother or spouse) should be strict no no as it slowly makes you dependent on the other person. You start losing your confidence in yourself. Sometimes the relationships that are dependent on love start to lose their balancing alignment. Follow your heart, choose the profession you want to.
As an adult money will also bring you the power to choose the people you want in your life.
Money can’t buy happiness but it sure can sparkle a dull moment.
7. Self respect comes before Love : while money can buy you a lot of materialistic stuff. Money can surely not buy emotions, love or respect.
I do notice that even as a young girl you have clarity about a lot of rights and wrongs. When someone close to you (friend or family ) does something abrupt, you do ask questions to me. As a mother I feel happy to know that you have an opinion and you don’t shy away from it.
As a life coach I have come across several women who are tolerating disrespect in the name of love. I will give you some examples, which I hope you never come across,
Teachers don’t have the right to disrespect you in the name of knowledge(or teaching )
Your parents (yes I include myself) don’t need to pressurize you to choose your dress, carrier or life partner.
Your friends don’t need to mock in the name off “oh its cool cause we are friends”
And most importantly (and Commonly) your partner doesn’t have the right to disrespect you in the name of love. No matter how much the “love or attraction” level is, always know that your respect is of utmost importance. (read point 8 to know better)
It’s NOT okay if you don’t feel okay about it. Our gut guides us better then our heart
8. Your partner : Life lesson that is pretty loudly discussed these days is, who is an ideal partner? What do we expect from our partner ? What is the parameter of calculating love? Well scientifically there is no such machine made yet that can measure love. Theoretically, there is no apt definition of a perfect partner.
So I will do the honor of defining it myself. ( You know I have an opinion about everything)
Your partner should be someone you are unfiltered in front of. He should be someone who respects you, values you and accepts you just the way you are.
Love should give you happiness and confidence not doubts and fears. Don’t you think so ?
Dear Daughter, Life lesson here is to know your worth and never ever accept disrespect of any form in the name of Love.
Of course love is a two – way street, so you need to respect him too before loving him.
Fear, domination,thoughts about choosing your words correctly in front of each other are far from love.
Love and affection are priceless when given freely.
9. Education is your weapon:
Well I don’t want to lecture you here about the importance of education in life. Cause i know you will say relax mom, i am studying and I will get good grades.
Truth bomb for you here is that as much as I emphasize on education, certificates and degrees, I do know that your career is not entirely dependent on your degree. I have seen several well educated people struggling to get a job while there are people with less(sometimes zero) degrees who are doing brilliantly at their workspace.
Well this does not mean that I have given you a green signal to throw your books out.
You need to study because it’s your best weapon against all that comes your way. As quoted in a famous series, “A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone“
Office politics can be worked with a good skill set.
Social communications (whether with your friends, neighbours or relatives) can be a confident ride if you are well read.
And most importantly dear daughter your confidence(which you are currently struggling with) will sky rocket if you a have a degree in hand.
So call me old school if you want too but I am sure one day you will agree with me.
Degrees don’t decide careers but do build the confidence of your conversations.
10. I’ll always be there for you
Dear daughter, this is not a life lesson. It’s more of a realization.
Every day I try to put this in your subconscious mind that I love you and I will always be there for you no matter what.
Whether it’s a classroom battle or a courtroom battle , I will stand by you.
I don’t know how to explain this to you but as a mother of a teenage daughter there is a fear in me. Fear that makes me wonder, am I her safe place? I should not scold her. What if she decides not to discuss her problems with me. Trust me, this is very hard as I don’t want you to deal with any shit alone. Every day there is a constant effort from my end to ensure that we discuss our fears , ambitions, dreams and funny mishaps of the day.
This is not only to build conversations or memories with you, it’s for you to realize that we are alike and together in whatever Life throws at us.
Motherhood is not just love and warmth, it’s also about standing there like a best friend with no judgments and lectures no matter what.
Behind every confident daughter is a mother who says “tu fiqr naa karee, waheguru ji ang sang sahai” and prays silently 🩷
P.S. I will always say no for all your Kawai Shopping.
I will ensure to annoy you by singing loudly.
Your daily dose of drama will always be interrupted by my weirdest questions
I will call you “bro” in front of your friends.
I will never leave any stone unturned to embarrass you.
I will continue to fight with you till my last breath.
And all this, just because I love you dear daughter.
